Memories of a working single Mom

17 Nov

There is the best and the not so best part of mothering. Its a mixture of nurturing, and terror. Every day you wonder, can I do this? It’s the most important and hardest job I ever had.

(DD: Wow mom, this whole post really made me tear up. If you only knew how your hard work and scrambling paid off and made me who I am today. I can go anywhere and be content because those hours in the car, shopping at Prairie Market, soccer drop offs, piano lessons and doctor’s offices spawned creativity. The car was our fort and our boxing ring. We invented ways to stay entertained if not at the expense of each other (upcoming blog post: Car travel: 70′s style”).

It’s not that I didn’t know what I was in for. I was the oldest of seven children and witnessed the exhaustion of my own sainted Mother. She did not have modern day conveniences and she didn’t work outside the home.
But I remember being happy for most of my childhood and I wanted to replicate the happiness.

When I met the man I wanted to marry, I told him I wanted six kids. It seemed doable. By the time we had the fourth however we were not on good terms. I had to stop at four. We had some good years and he was a big help. He loved those kids more than he loved me and I felt the same way. We were pretty good at co-parenting and with less tension in our lives we all muddled through and got the job done. (DD: Wow mom, you are quite kind. I guess it has been 36 years…. 😉. I am grateful to God my mom and dad are friends today. They pal around with my dad and his wife, Barbie. So amazing to witness this banter– especially when mom and Barbie rip on my dad — LOL!).

We purchased a big house. The Pine Lake house. It was in the country, on a lake with eight acres across the street. There was a barn on the acreage and other weird outbuildings. It was our dream house. (DD: Can’t put into words what this house and place means to me. I still have dreams about it. Our old house is still on the property but in a different place. Perhaps I will buy it back someday).

The house itself was a constant fixer upper. We lived there for six years before their Dad and I parted ways. He was the guy who liked to fix everything so I lost my maintenance guy, so to speak. He lived nearby and eventually we settled into a good relationship for the sake of the children. (DD: This happened around 1990 when my mom got sick and my dad divorced his 2nd wife. Dad encouraged us to help our sick mom. I was very proud of my dad for rallying us to help. A 12 yr sadness lifted.)

But I had to go to work. I finally landed a sweet job with benefits that afforded me a little extra money. I wanted my kids to have opportunities and that meant music lessons, ski lessons, nice clothes, haircuts, dentist appointments etc. I was cutting it pretty close every month on a pretty meager salary. The mortgage payment on the house was 75 percent of my income. I sold some of the timber across the street and paid down the mortgage to a reasonable 50 percent of my salary. We were together in that house for eight more years. (DD: At 41 I too muttered those words after AH decided to leave…or, I decided to leave him as I didn’t approve of his choice in girlfriends. I wasn’t going to wait around for him to support the girls and I. I couldn’t believe that 75% of mom’s salary went towards the house payment!! It was $1k, back in ’78!! And I never felt that. Life was rich. We had a great house and yard to explore (hence the $1k payment in ’78), plenty of friends, plenty of good family times. It’s amazing how great life can get when mom is in a good mood most of the time. My mom did give us everything we could want to make life good for us. She did drive all over the county to take us to lessons, sleepovers and trips to Tower Records – the SEATTLE store. Mom loved us, it was clear. :))

Even with the financial hardship we were pretty content. I commuted two hours a day. I left the house at 6:30 in the morning and was home by 4:00 p.m. The after school activities included music lessons, soccer and other sports. Two or three nights a week we were in the car from four to seven p.m. We ate on the run. I packed lunches for the drive or we stopped at Dairy Queen or for pizza. Actually sitting down in a restaurant for any amount of time was a luxury. Mostly we ate in the car. Drop a kid off for music lesson and rush another one to a sports practice. Pick up dinner or grocery shop, pick up the first kid from the music lesson and go to the sports field to wait for practice to be over. There were also doctor and dentist appointments and play dates. And Bluebirds and Scouts. It was dizzying and all accomplished after my ten hour working day. (DD: I remember those Tupperware plates with cooked dinner inside! Tots, beans and hamburger! And ketchup! Nice mom! I hated eating in the car but the memory is such a cool one. Pizza Pete’s was a popular spot – where there’s a PP behind every pizza. I believe this was after Dave’s music lesson. Also Shakey’s… Pizza and free balloons!)

On Saturdays there were soccer and baseball games and chores. Sunday’s we went to church and had a whole half day to do nothing. (DD: Really coulda done w/o the soccer. Parents, please don’t make your kids play a sport they couldn’t care less about. I despised Saturday soccer games. Mom finally let me quit in 5th grade).

The running around wasn’t the half of it. Catering to their physical needs was the easy part. The hard part was keeping them all happy and maturing in a somewhat zoo atmosphere. Tending to their emotional needs and breaking up fights. Soothing their developing psyches and teaching them values. But more about that another time. They grew up without too many scars and turned out to be great people. (DD: Mom, you did MORE than a great job. So much more. We are all law abiding, healthy working adults with thriving children. No life is without challenges, but I feel equipped to handle all of them thanks to what you taught me and the example you set as a working single parent. You set a high bar before divorce was a thing. Thx for the template to work from. When I read the title of this I cry because I realize how hard you had it, and only now truly realize the adversities you overcame. I am well aware bec I am now a single parent of 2. And folks trust me — that is the Bain of my motherhood. That constant reminder from mom that “I did it with 4!” Love you so much mom. Thanks to you and dad and that whole divorce fiasco, I’ve developed a good bit of grit.).

DD: PS: Love the zoo reference!  

 

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Sick Day November 12

14 Nov

I’m cuddled up to sweet Sally, my granddaughter, who is home from school today with a fever. I hate when kids are sick and I don’t want them to be sick. She was too tired to do anything and snoozed off and on during the day. I held her hand and it was warm. Her temp was 100.4.

DD: Thanks mom.

Her Mom says I used to make her a soft boiled egg when she was sick. I also tried to get them to drink fluids and sometimes gave them Popsicles.

DD: If you can believe it, I botched the poached egg and asked mom what her secret was. She said she couldn’t remember and look it up. 😉

With four kids I was a constant visitor at Group Health in Bellevue. I’d pack them all in the car, the sick and the healthy, and drive the fifty miles to the clinic. Well it felt like fifty miles. Following the wait for the doctor, we would wait for the prescription to be filled. Waiting, waiting, waiting. And then the long drive home. They would all take a nice nap while I drove and I would half carry all of them into the house and dump them on the nearest couch (now the infirmary) for the beginning of days of care.

(DD: I remember the sound of the Elevator at Group Health. Loud whirring sound. We were always bound for Cluster C, Dr. Carlson. In my 6 yr old brain, “cluster” sounded a lot like “custard” and I wondered if we would be served any once we arrived? Strangely, my dad married Dr. Carlson’s ex wife years later (another blog post).  If not for the chalk board and laminated “this is candy, this is not” caution sheet, these visits would have been excruciating.)

They would all eventually get what was going around but I hardly ever got sick. The one good thing is that they were all too weak to fight with each other and sleeping most of the time. So there was peace in the house. (DD: LOL!)

Peace is good.

###

Things to have in the house when kids are sick:

Jello
Chicken soup
Kool aid
Frozen Popsicles made from kool aid
Blankies
Water
A tub for tepid baths to bring down a fever
Washcloths with cool water for their foreheads
Cough syrup
Baby aspirin
Two toilets
Patience

DD(dear daughter): On the baths and washcloths: You never know what you will remember most or which memories you will hold dearest from your parents. One of mine is mom using that wet washcloth on my face, so lovingly wiping my brow. She stayed up all night w me one night when my fever was high from Strep. I got a cold bath and was allowed to watch late night TV, back in the 70’s when we had – like- 2 stations after midnight!! The shows were crap. But I was sick. And bored. During one particular bout of something, mom drew me a bath. I was 10 and for the first time ever aware of my nakedness in front of my mom. I was shocked at my sudden modesty… It had never bothered me before. A strange rite of passage.  Thank you mommy for taking care of me. Poached eggs always remind me of your love and attentiveness when I was sick. 💝💝

Nursing someone

13 Nov

My excuse for not blogging today. See you tomorrow.

Cindy: from your breasts? Hmmm…

Telling Stories – Day 3

11 Nov

Back in the day when I was feeding a bunch of kids, spaghetti was always my favorite thing to make and the kids loved it. I made my own sauce and never made it the same way, always adding a little of this and a little of that. I discovered Ragu after the kids were out of the house.

My daughter says I wasn’t a gourmet cook and I agree with her. I cooked things the kids and their Dad would eat. I tried a few times to help them develop a more sophisticated palate but was hampered by a meat and potatoes guy from Detroit (their Dad). My budget was also very lean and not conducive to fine cuisine.

I always cooked from scratch and loved the process. The kitchen was a gathering place and we had a large island with butcher board where we could gather. I would spend at least an hour and a half or more on dinner any given evening. I was not a fast cook and was frequently interrupted by the shenanigans of four active rug rats.

The following recipe was a big hit. Somehow I remember using sour cream but this is Campbell’s recipe. My son Jim could eat the whole thing if allowed.

Campbell’s Chicken Broccoli Divan Recipe

Ingredients & Instructions Recipe Tips
What You’ll Need
4 cups cooked broccoli florets
2 cups cubed cooked chicken
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup or Campbell’s® Condensed 98% Fat Free Cream of Chicken Soup or Campbell’s® Healthy Request® Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup
1/3 cup milk
1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (about 2 ounces)
2 tablespoons plain dry bread crumbs
1 tablespoon butter, melted

How to Make It
1 Place the broccoli and chicken into a 9-inch pie plate.
2 Stir the soup and milk in a small bowl. Pour the soup mixture over the broccoli and chicken. Sprinkle with the cheese. Stir the bread crumbs and butter in a small bowl. Sprinkle the bread crumb mixture over the cheese.
3 Bake at 450°F. for 20 minutes or until the chicken mixture is hot and bubbling.

Stay Tuned

10 Nov

To my faithful readers:

Had a great weekend with some great folks so no time to write! Some of those folks are my little band of blog followers.

I have a variety of topics and insights which will be revealed in the next day or so.

Take care and smile at someone today.

ADPOV: It can’t happen soon enough!!! Ta-DAY…

Taking it easy

7 Nov

I had big plans today. Feeling so much better I made a list. But then something got in the way of my plans.

The list was pretty short. Take out trash. Take out recycling. Clean bathroom in case someone comes over. Write in blog. Write a letter to my sister in South Sudan. Heady stuff.

But a friend dropped by and I had to entertain. We watched 3.5 hours or seven episodes of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. We laughed for three and a half hours. We were both cured of the post election blues. Somewhat.

This is how I prepare for company. First I make sure I have something to wear. You never know when someone will drop by. My fave outfit around the house is a t-shirt and loose fitting pants. If I’m getting ready for an appointed visit, I dress a little more formally. Like wearing a bra.

I don’t bother cleaning that much for company but the bathroom is important. I clean the bathroom fairly regularly. The kitchen is another matter entirely. Dishes pile up. I don’t have the luxury of hiding them in the dishwasher because I don’t have one. Luckily my kitchen is hidden away so it’s not an issue. And almost all the people who visit me and know me well know what to expect. My kids know where everything is and are not surprised by the clutter. My close friends come to see me, not my housekeeping skills.

My apartment is homey and comfy. And I always have treats for the grandkids.

ADPOV (a daughter’s point of view):

So basically, folks, you really know where you stand w my mom based on whether she wears a bra (Mom, am I bra worthy?).

Mom, missed you talking about your pantry. I’ve heard you say “My family knows to stay away.” Think you cleaned it recently so we can no longer find the kingdom of Narnia there.

LOVE that you got caught up in 3 hours of ELR therapy! I just realized why Charlie comes around. It’s not just for the chance to see you hang loose, it’s for the laughter. Like where you’ve settled in your relationship w Charlie (a man who has had a crush on my mom her whole life, basically, folks).

So many directions we can go here, but! I like the “How do you Prepare for Company?” Theme. 

Cindy’s Golden rules for company:

1. Music + snacks + drink. That is all you need. The rest will take care of itself.

2. Build it and they will come. Throw the date out, invite the people and the rest is history.

3. Early guests will be put to work. Or late guests for that matter! This isn’t intentional. I bust my ass every time I have family or company over. Hard to get it all done as a single working parent. Clean bathrooms and vacuuming the living and dining rooms are important to me.

4. You are last. Often when guests arrive I haven’t even showered or dressed. The last party I hosted I actually wore a dress. So I guess that’s my barometer for success… Whether I’m dressed. 🙂

Mom, I am so glad you found a way to build your own dome in Seattle… Sounds like Raymond and Charlie helped a little. 🙂

Zero Dark Thirty

6 Nov

A movie title that should be about Seattle at 4:30 in the afternoon from November till March. But it’s not. It’s about capturing Osama Bin Laden with all the latest technology available to the richest nation on earth.

The best and also the worst thing about that movie is how technology can do just about anything these days. But does it make us happy? Can it make the sun come out?

I just turned on the lights, feeling so much better. I still don’t like the fact that my automatic night light has been on for fifteen minutes and it’s not even five o’clock yet. It’s just not right. Can’t we put a dome over Seattle and light this place up?

I’m a little off my game today. Here’s to a better day tomorrow. I have stuff to do!

ADPOV(A daughter’s point of view):

1. Mom, you should have made this movie first. Or make a musical about long, dark WET winters in Seattle. Let’s call Uncle Chris for a brainstorm sesh!

2. Auto-nightlight at 4:45? Wow… that stinks, but… It was my favorite thing you wrote! Hilarious.

3. Love your point about technology and happiness. I see facebook as the ultimate approval/acknowledgement tool. Need a fix?? Post and see the acknowledgement pour in! If not, you get sad. It should all really come from within, right mom?

2 new features I’d like to experiment with for our blog:

a. DAILY Fridge: Something I did today I think you’d be proud of (perhaps me yearning for acknowledgement, but meant to be sorta cute in a mom/daughter sorta way.

b. QUesTions for MOM: Where my generation asks yours something, and you enlighten all of us “yutes.” It’d be cool if after you answered it you shot one back so I have a chance to make your generation more “hip.”

Which idea do you want to try?

Mom…. I love you. And I LOVE your writing. Here’s to tomorrow being ON all day!